Adventures in Parenthood

I've been a dad for over 7 years now, and, while every day is an exciting adventure, every once in awhile something happens that makes me think, "Wow -- parenting is truly an experience like no other." No, I am not about to launch into the philosophical wonderment of the blessing involved in rearing a little person. I'm talking about those moments in life that make those who don't have children cringe in complete and utter disgust. Here's a sample of a few of the crazy, sometimes disgusting, always exciting parenting situations that I've had the privilege of experiencing over the past several years...

Junk in the Trunk
This first tale occurred shortly after the birth of our first child, Jordan. We were attending the wedding of our good friends Jay and Angie in La Jolla, CA. It was a chilly and rainy day, as I remember it -- I had Jordan (at just a couple of weeks of age) snuggled up against my chest in one of those Baby Bjorn baby-holder thingies, as I held an umbrella up to shield her from the elements. And then it happened -- an explosion, of sorts, in her diaper. Nothing too exceptional, of course. That's what babies do.

So I trekked back up to the car (my black 2000 Grand Am GT), and began changing her diaper in the only place available -- the trunk. I began going through the standard diaper-changing procedure, and then it really happened. In that brief moment between pulling away the dirty diaper and sliding the fresh, clean one in, another explosion occurred... and subsequently a large portion of the upholstery in the trunk was suddenly spattered with a lovely substance, shaded a nice hue of yellow-brown.

I did my best to clean it up, but there's only so much that baby wipes can do. I still often wonder if the next owner of the car, after my lease was up, ever wondered what those colorful splotches were on the trunk carpeting...

Trigger-Happy (or There Will Be Blood)
Jordan was a couple of years old. We were enjoying a beautiful, sunny day in our condo in Escondido, CA, when we decided to step out onto the patio and catch some fresh air. I sat in our little patio chair, with Jordan bouncing happily on my lap. We had a spray bottle out there; I think we used it to water the plants or something. It just had water in it, so when Jordan reached for it, I didn't hesitate. She was playing with the bottle -- hey, anything to keep the kid happily occupied, right? -- and then she started sucking on the nozzle. No worries. She's enjoying the refreshing liquid without a care in the world.

Until she reached her hand up and squeezed the trigger... while her lips were still wrapped around the spray tip... and then she released the trigger. It took me a couple of seconds to realize what had happened -- but then I saw it. When she let go of the trigger, the yellow plastic mechanism snapped back into place, and pinched a nice chunk of her lip in the process. Lots and lots of blood started pouring from her mouth. Along with a lot of screaming.

I had to re-squeeze the trigger to free her lip from those horrid plastic clenches, but the damage was already done. Thankfully we had some popsicles on hand, and the swelling went down after a few days. But I was careful to never let her (or any of her future siblings) play with a water bottle again.


That is NOT a Snickers Bar
When children are young and innocent, I don't see any problem with letting them bathe together. Hence, Jordan and Jonathan often would enjoy taking a bath at the same time. Laughing, playing, giggling, blowing soap bubbles at each other, etc. On more than one occasion, however, the "fun-ness" of such an event was ruined when Jonathan decided that he had to go #2, right there in the bathtub.

What to do, right? The logistics of such a situation are actually pretty complex. You have two kids who were in the bath in an attempt to get them cleaned up. Now you have two kids sitting in poop-filled water. You can't just get them out and dry them off. But you can't exactly pick them up and carry them to another bathroom, dripping less-than-clean water onto the floor/carpet/tile. And then you, of course, have to drain the icky water... but draining the water isn't enough -- you have to somehow dispose of the "solid waste". And then there are the toys that were in the water, that are no longer fit to remain in the bathtub. Not to mention, of course, that you now went through a minimum of two extra towels that night, which doesn't help with the laundry situation.

And then there's the emotional trauma for the big sister who just had her little brother go potty while she was with him in the tub. Oh, and did I mention that he once just stood up and peed on her?


Time to Clip the Fingernails (or There Will Be Blood, The Sequel)
Fast-forward to present day. Earlier this evening, in fact. I was home alone with the 3 kids. Jordan was in bed early, doing a bit of reading before lights-out. I was trying to keep the 2 boys entertained in the living room, so we were just being goofy -- the usual rolling around on the floor together, making each other giggle, etc. Nothing too unusual.

Then I did something that I've done dozens, perhaps hundreds of times before. Jude rolled over onto his back, and I climbed over on all fours facing him. I started kissing his neck and face, making him laugh, and he was loving every second of it. And that's when it happened. In the blink of an eye, he forcefully shot his 13-month old hand up into my face, fingers extended -- and one of his fingers shot straight up into my left nostril. Deep.

It actually hurt quite a bit. I immediately winced in pain and jumped to my feet, my hand reflexively shot up to my nose to assess the damage. Sure enough, his fingernail had managed to slice open the skin deep within my nose, and blood began dripping onto the palm of my hand. I ran to the bathroom to grab a washcloth; none to be found, only a nice, clean white hand towel. I couldn't risk staining that, so I turned around and ran to the kitchen. Of course, my neck was craned backwards and I was staring at the ceiling in an effort to stop the bleeding... so I didn't see that Jude had followed me down the hallway. I completely knocked him over.

So Jude is crying, my nose is bleeding, and Jonathan is trying to figure out what just happened. I grabbed a dishcloth (that unfortunately had already started to get that icky old-dishrag smell) and put it under the tap water, trying to make a cold, moist compress for my nose. (Of course, it takes our sink about 30 seconds to produce cold water, which just added to the frustration of the situation.)

Thankfully, Jackie arrived soon after the traumatic event. I think I'll survive; no permanent damage done.




So, there's just a little glimpse into the fun it is to be a parent. Most of you who already have kids have probably already experienced many similar situations in your own personal lives. And for those of you who have yet to enter the blessed state of parenthood... consider this fair warning. :-)